Tantra 101 - Not Just For Men

How To Be A Good Lover From The Inside Out
(Tips from the Tantrikas!) – Article for Men.
Author: Cynthia Taylor Lamborne

Tantra could be defined as “The Oriental Art of Sacred Sexuality”, and a Tantrika is a practitioner of that art. At least it originated in the Orient, but thanks to a number of innovative teachers there are now a significant number of practitioners in the west, particularly in The United States. I am someone who has greatly benefited from studying and practicing Tantra, and have gone on to teach it. In this article I will mention some of the basic principles of Tantric sexuality and explain how they can easily be incorporated into your love life to the great benefit of both partners!

When it comes to sex, men are generally focused on “doing”, while women are more focused on “being” together. Your partner is especially interested in having your full attention and being present. So here are some things you can “do” to “be” with her more fully!

Underneath that very different female exterior is the fact that she is a human being with pretty much the same basic needs as you. If you approach your woman and your lovemaking from the point of view of taking care of those needs, things are going to go much better in a number of ways. But what are some of those basic human needs? I’m going to talk about 3 that will greatly enhance your sex life if you take them seriously (while you are having fun that is!).

The first basic human need is touch. We as a society are starved for touch – touch without ulterior motives that is. Imagine this: You’re with a lover, you’re turned on, your hand is gliding up her thigh and your mind is already racing ahead imagining being inside of her! Sound like a familiar situation? How often in our lives do we receive touch that is not given either for money (massage), or as part of some lustful strategy, usually unspoken? So to give your attention and touch unconditionally is a rare gift indeed. Be there only to enjoy the feel of her skin, the brush of every downy little hair moving under your fingers. Go slowly so you can really feel the sensation. In the same way you touch velvet, to “feel” it, not to “do” it! Not hurrying to the next thing to turn her on so you can get turned and get to the Big “O”. That would be the end of the story, the last dance so to speak. And to continue the dance analogy, the more you dip and swing and feel and enjoy all the textures of how you feel together, the more meaningful and significant that “dance” can be!

Human beings are pleasure seeking creatures by nature. We can use this fact to create even more pleasure and intimacy for ourselves in every moment. Learning to slow down your movements will enable you to feel more sensation and to remember the “velvet!” Slowing down your touch also helps her to drop out of her busy mind and just feel the sensation of your touch. There is actually an electrical current that runs over the surface of our bodies and our through our hands, so she is energized and stimulated from the current that is being emitted from your hands as your touch glides slowly over her skin. With this awareness and your full attention on the touch the ecstasy of this touch sensation is intensified.

Another tip about touch is to start far away from the genitals, such as with a foot, shoulder or neck massage, or by stroking her hair or face, gently feeling the curves of her cheeks, nose, eyes and ears. If you feel like a klutz at massage try a rabbit fur massage mitten or feather boa (which you can find at your local sex shop or from Nectar Products in San Diego, Ca. www.LoveNectar.com).

Always remember to breathe! Breathing is such an important part of Tantric sexuality. The deeper you breathe the more you’ll be present in your body and out of your analytical mind, and the more you’ll both feel! Now this may sound far fetched. What does deep breathing have to do with pleasure? Well follow the logic here. Tantric masters know that the deeper you breathe the more relaxed you get. The more relaxed the body gets the easier the blood flows, the more blood goes thru out your body especially to the skin and underlying tissue, the more receptive the nerve endings are to pick up the stimulation. Well what about your partner? It helps if she is breathing deeply as well but even if she is not, the more relaxed and present you are, the safer she will feel to surrender to the blissful touch she is receiving from you.

Another point about breathing deeply is that it enables you to more easily “tune into her”. Breathing helps you to be more intuitive, because it’s easier to feel what is going on with her when you are relaxed instead of being anxious wondering if what you are doing is “right” or “wrong”. Everything is more effortless and you can relax even more out of “doing” into...yes into “just being together!”

The 2nd basic human need I’ll talk about is the need to feel connected. By this I mean feeling connected on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. This is what happens when you are synchronized or moving in a flow with someone. That’s why we love to dance, in order to feel that flow and connection with a partner! When you’re in the flow you are totally in the present and don’t want for anything. Not even thinking about The Big “O” will pull you out of the present. This feeling of connection or flowing together can be created in a number of ways.

Eye contact is a most powerful way to experience the boding of “flow” experience. A perfect example is when your eyes first met! What a thrill, huh? Well you can continue to deepen that experience without touching another part of her body. I was once with a client showing him the following simple eye-gazing exercise and his first comment afterward was, “Wow, pretty stimulating. I feel like we just made love and we’re not even touching!”

Try this exercise with a partner. Sit comfortably across from each other or lie down facing each other. Take a few deep breaths. Look into each other’s eyes. Now focus your attention on one eye. You can take turns. One of you will be actively looking and the other receptive. Let’s say you go first and imagine you are standing at the doorway of her eyes. It is said that the eyes are the doorway to the soul. Inside your head ask permission to open the door and then to walk in. Focus on one of her eyes and imagine yourself dropping deeper and deeper into her through her eyes. Now your partners turn, as you are dripping more deeply into her eyes you can both take a deep breath and imagine she is opening the door and letting you drop deeper and deeper into her. It’s like a second penetration! And often feels even more deeply fulfilling! Remember to breathe please! After a few moments or however long you are comfortable doing this, change roles and you now get to imagine opening up your door to let your partner in. If you or she becomes uncomfortable, which can happen with such a “close encounter”, just take a little deeper breath while maintaing eye contact, and you will be amazed how much closer you will begin to feel. Because this is really an intimate experience, it can be confrontive. What we are confronted with are the walls we keep up to protect ourselves “out in the world” so as to not expose ourselves and show who we really are. If you are willing and ready to share this deeply with your partner, have her read this and if she’s willing, try it out and you’ll get a first hand experience of true intimacy. (In to me you see!) When you feel complete with exercise, take some time to talk about what came up for each of you Speaking about it will just bring you that much closer.

Remember to always come back to eye contact when making love. In fact anytime that you are together a penetrating eye connection can bring you that much closer, particularly if you’re finding yourself in the throws of excitement. We can sometimes at these intense moments become self-absorbed and the eye contact brings us back to the connection from the heart. It creates a bridge between your sex, your heart, and your soul!

Another way to connect or “flow together” is through breathing together. I like “spooning” (particularly if you’ve had a fight or are feeling disconnected). You lay one behind the other, arms wrapped around the one in front, and feel the rhythm of each others breath. Begin to breathe together, and you will soon notice a beautiful sense of connectedness emerging.

The last way to feel connected that I’m going to mention is through movement. A rocking motion of the pelvis forward and back allows the whole body to follow in a flow with that pelvic rhythm. When the pelvic area and the spine is loose and open the sexual energy (Kundalini energy in Tantra) in each of you can flow and expand up the spine and throughout the whole body creating a whole body orgasmic experience. Many people are quite locked up and rigid in the pelvis and spine. This exercise can help to relax and loosen up these areas. A yoga class would be a good idea too! Why not take it together or buy a Yoga For Partners video (see www.lovenectar.com). Yoga is a great way to distress and start the evening feeling relaxed and physically connected!

The 3rd basic human need is the nourishment of all 5 of our senses, and the more of the five senses you can incorporate in your lovemaking the “juicier” it will be. Let’s be sensitive to the sense of sight. Use soft lighting such as candles (in a pinch, a scarf or piece of fabric over the lampshade will do); our ears with some beautiful relaxing music. “Enigma” is sensual and has passionate and intensity, or try “Sade” which is very sensual, sultry music; (Good CD’s for Tantric love making are available at www.LoveNectar.com) Our sense of smell with incense or a drop of essential oil or cologne on the light bulb; our taste-buds with a bowl of orange slices, strawberries dipped in chocolate, or maybe some wine; and our sense of touch with a spray mister bottle containing a few drops of scented oil in water, some feathers, Ostrich plumes, some silk fabric or a rabbit fur massage mitt. A beautiful clean space with a vase of fresh flowers is a turn on too, but a sheet over a cluttered desk will work in a pinch!

A few tips for women (in case any are sneaking a glance at this article!). Help your partner to relax so he can be more present with you. Here are a few ways to do that; draw him a warm bath with Epsom salts and aromatherapy oils. Ones that stimulate sexual energy (Aphrodisiacs) like musk, ylang ylang, patchouli, or sandalwood. Flower scents, such as jasmine, rose or honeysuckle, open the heart. Give him a foot or shoulder massage, show him a few yoga stretches you can do together (there are books or yoga for couples), and create an opening for him to say what’s on his mind. In particular allow him to share on a deeper level what is going on right now for him about being here with you. You never know what might be going on beneath the surface of that apparently strong male ego. For example maybe he’s concerned about the condom issue and doesn’t know how to bring it up, or he hasn’t been with someone for a while and he’s nervous about doing something wrong, or blowing it somehow.

There are a lot of pressures on men (and women) to perform. Just by sharing what’s going on, the emotional and mental pressures (which left alone can put a damper on sexual pleasure) can be relieved. Create permission for that sharing to happen throughout your time together. Another factor for men is the tension that resides in the muscles around the pelvis, abdomen, thighs and buttocks. This is the result of the day in and day out stress of making a living and often leads men to want to release as fast as possible through ejaculation. There is, as you might be gathering, much more available in love making than the more common experience of physical “tension release”. You can massage these areas to help him release this tension first and you’ll enjoy a more pleasurable time together, not to mention, the fact that he’ll last longer too!

There is a very important muscle that can greatly improve the quality of your sex life if you keep it in good shape. This is the Pubocoygeus (P.C.) or Kegel muscle. It is the muscle you clench when you ant to stop the flow of urine. We tone all other muscles in the body but generally not this one. Exercise it daily and in 2 to 4 weeks you will be feeling a significant difference in your sexual sensations and intensity of orgasm. For men tensing it massages the prostate gland, and a well-toned P.C. muscle can help you to keep your erection longer. This muscle can be used like a pump to pump sexual energy from the pelvic region up to the spine and throughout the body, as mentioned earlier in the section on movement. Try pumping it in rhythm with the breath. Squeeze the muscle while inhaling and imagine that sexy energy tingling up your body to the top of your head melting away tension, spreading the pleasure thru out your body. Exhale, letting the muscle relax gradually. This may be difficult at first till the muscle has better tone and you are more comfortable with coordinating it with the breath. It’s worth the practice! Pump it while you’re driving the car or talking on the phone, no one will know! And it will probably put a smile on your face!

It has been my experience that even a small amount of time spent practicing these simple techniques brings huge benefits. If you give yourself this gift I know you will be happy with the results. So, in closing I wish you hours of happy love making from the inside out!



About Cynthia
Cynthia Lamborne is a leader in the field of sacred sexuality and Tantra. Her background and training includes: comprehensive study with several Tantric Masters; extensive travel in Egypt, India and Nepal; 30 years of training and experience with thousands of men and women as an intimacy coach and workshop facilitator; and teaching Transcendental Meditation for 10 years.
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