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Tantra 101 - Not Just For Men
How To Be A Good Lover From The Inside Out
(Tips from the Tantrikas!) – Article for Men.
Author: Cynthia Taylor Lamborne
Tantra could be defined as “The Oriental Art of Sacred
Sexuality”, and a Tantrika is a practitioner of that
art. At least it originated in the Orient, but thanks to
a number of innovative teachers there are now a significant
number of practitioners in the west, particularly in The
United States. I am someone who has greatly benefited from
studying and practicing Tantra, and have gone on to teach
it. In this article I will mention some of the basic principles
of Tantric sexuality and explain how they can easily be
incorporated into your love life to the great benefit of
both partners!
When it comes to sex, men are generally focused on “doing”,
while women are more focused on “being” together.
Your partner is especially interested in having your full
attention and being present. So here are some things you
can “do” to “be” with her more fully!
Underneath that very different female exterior is the fact
that she is a human being with pretty much the same basic
needs as you. If you approach your woman and your lovemaking
from the point of view of taking care of those needs, things
are going to go much better in a number of ways. But what
are some of those basic human needs? I’m going to
talk about 3 that will greatly enhance your sex life if
you take them seriously (while you are having fun that is!).
The first basic human need is touch. We as a society are
starved for touch – touch without ulterior motives
that is. Imagine this: You’re with a lover, you’re
turned on, your hand is gliding up her thigh and your mind
is already racing ahead imagining being inside of her! Sound
like a familiar situation? How often in our lives do we
receive touch that is not given either for money (massage),
or as part of some lustful strategy, usually unspoken? So
to give your attention and touch unconditionally is a rare
gift indeed. Be there only to enjoy the feel of her skin,
the brush of every downy little hair moving under your fingers.
Go slowly so you can really feel the sensation. In the same
way you touch velvet, to “feel” it, not to “do”
it! Not hurrying to the next thing to turn her on so you
can get turned and get to the Big “O”. That
would be the end of the story, the last dance so to speak.
And to continue the dance analogy, the more you dip and
swing and feel and enjoy all the textures of how you feel
together, the more meaningful and significant that “dance”
can be!
Human beings are pleasure seeking creatures by nature.
We can use this fact to create even more pleasure and intimacy
for ourselves in every moment. Learning to slow down your
movements will enable you to feel more sensation and to
remember the “velvet!” Slowing down your touch
also helps her to drop out of her busy mind and just feel
the sensation of your touch. There is actually an electrical
current that runs over the surface of our bodies and our
through our hands, so she is energized and stimulated from
the current that is being emitted from your hands as your
touch glides slowly over her skin. With this awareness and
your full attention on the touch the ecstasy of this touch
sensation is intensified.
Another tip about touch is to start far away from the genitals,
such as with a foot, shoulder or neck massage, or by stroking
her hair or face, gently feeling the curves of her cheeks,
nose, eyes and ears. If you feel like a klutz at massage
try a rabbit fur massage mitten or feather boa (which you
can find at your local sex shop or from Nectar Products
in San Diego, Ca. www.LoveNectar.com).
Always remember to breathe! Breathing is such an important
part of Tantric sexuality. The deeper you breathe the more
you’ll be present in your body and out of your analytical
mind, and the more you’ll both feel! Now this may
sound far fetched. What does deep breathing have to do with
pleasure? Well follow the logic here. Tantric masters know
that the deeper you breathe the more relaxed you get. The
more relaxed the body gets the easier the blood flows, the
more blood goes thru out your body especially to the skin
and underlying tissue, the more receptive the nerve endings
are to pick up the stimulation. Well what about your partner?
It helps if she is breathing deeply as well but even if
she is not, the more relaxed and present you are, the safer
she will feel to surrender to the blissful touch she is
receiving from you.
Another point about breathing deeply is that it enables
you to more easily “tune into her”. Breathing
helps you to be more intuitive, because it’s easier
to feel what is going on with her when you are relaxed instead
of being anxious wondering if what you are doing is “right”
or “wrong”. Everything is more effortless and
you can relax even more out of “doing” into...yes
into “just being together!”
The 2nd basic human need I’ll talk about is the need
to feel connected. By this I mean feeling connected on mental,
emotional and spiritual levels. This is what happens when
you are synchronized or moving in a flow with someone. That’s
why we love to dance, in order to feel that flow and connection
with a partner! When you’re in the flow you are totally
in the present and don’t want for anything. Not even
thinking about The Big “O” will pull you out
of the present. This feeling of connection or flowing together
can be created in a number of ways.
Eye contact is a most powerful way to experience the boding
of “flow” experience. A perfect example is when
your eyes first met! What a thrill, huh? Well you can continue
to deepen that experience without touching another part
of her body. I was once with a client showing him the following
simple eye-gazing exercise and his first comment afterward
was, “Wow, pretty stimulating. I feel like we just
made love and we’re not even touching!”
Try this exercise with a partner. Sit comfortably across
from each other or lie down facing each other. Take a few
deep breaths. Look into each other’s eyes. Now focus
your attention on one eye. You can take turns. One of you
will be actively looking and the other receptive. Let’s
say you go first and imagine you are standing at the doorway
of her eyes. It is said that the eyes are the doorway to
the soul. Inside your head ask permission to open the door
and then to walk in. Focus on one of her eyes and imagine
yourself dropping deeper and deeper into her through her
eyes. Now your partners turn, as you are dripping more deeply
into her eyes you can both take a deep breath and imagine
she is opening the door and letting you drop deeper and
deeper into her. It’s like a second penetration! And
often feels even more deeply fulfilling! Remember to breathe
please! After a few moments or however long you are comfortable
doing this, change roles and you now get to imagine opening
up your door to let your partner in. If you or she becomes
uncomfortable, which can happen with such a “close
encounter”, just take a little deeper breath while
maintaing eye contact, and you will be amazed how much closer
you will begin to feel. Because this is really an intimate
experience, it can be confrontive. What we are confronted
with are the walls we keep up to protect ourselves “out
in the world” so as to not expose ourselves and show
who we really are. If you are willing and ready to share
this deeply with your partner, have her read this and if
she’s willing, try it out and you’ll get a first
hand experience of true intimacy. (In to me you see!) When
you feel complete with exercise, take some time to talk
about what came up for each of you Speaking about it will
just bring you that much closer.
Remember to always come back to eye contact when making
love. In fact anytime that you are together a penetrating
eye connection can bring you that much closer, particularly
if you’re finding yourself in the throws of excitement.
We can sometimes at these intense moments become self-absorbed
and the eye contact brings us back to the connection from
the heart. It creates a bridge between your sex, your heart,
and your soul!
Another way to connect or “flow together” is
through breathing together. I like “spooning”
(particularly if you’ve had a fight or are feeling
disconnected). You lay one behind the other, arms wrapped
around the one in front, and feel the rhythm of each others
breath. Begin to breathe together, and you will soon notice
a beautiful sense of connectedness emerging.
The last way to feel connected that I’m going to
mention is through movement. A rocking motion of the pelvis
forward and back allows the whole body to follow in a flow
with that pelvic rhythm. When the pelvic area and the spine
is loose and open the sexual energy (Kundalini energy in
Tantra) in each of you can flow and expand up the spine
and throughout the whole body creating a whole body orgasmic
experience. Many people are quite locked up and rigid in
the pelvis and spine. This exercise can help to relax and
loosen up these areas. A yoga class would be a good idea
too! Why not take it together or buy a Yoga For Partners
video (see www.lovenectar.com). Yoga is a great way to distress
and start the evening feeling relaxed and physically connected!
The 3rd basic human need is the nourishment of all 5 of
our senses, and the more of the five senses you can incorporate
in your lovemaking the “juicier” it will be.
Let’s be sensitive to the sense of sight. Use soft
lighting such as candles (in a pinch, a scarf or piece of
fabric over the lampshade will do); our ears with some beautiful
relaxing music. “Enigma” is sensual and has
passionate and intensity, or try “Sade” which
is very sensual, sultry music; (Good CD’s for Tantric
love making are available at www.LoveNectar.com) Our sense
of smell with incense or a drop of essential oil or cologne
on the light bulb; our taste-buds with a bowl of orange
slices, strawberries dipped in chocolate, or maybe some
wine; and our sense of touch with a spray mister bottle
containing a few drops of scented oil in water, some feathers,
Ostrich plumes, some silk fabric or a rabbit fur massage
mitt. A beautiful clean space with a vase of fresh flowers
is a turn on too, but a sheet over a cluttered desk will
work in a pinch!
A few tips for women (in case any are sneaking a glance
at this article!). Help your partner to relax so he can
be more present with you. Here are a few ways to do that;
draw him a warm bath with Epsom salts and aromatherapy oils.
Ones that stimulate sexual energy (Aphrodisiacs) like musk,
ylang ylang, patchouli, or sandalwood. Flower scents, such
as jasmine, rose or honeysuckle, open the heart. Give him
a foot or shoulder massage, show him a few yoga stretches
you can do together (there are books or yoga for couples),
and create an opening for him to say what’s on his
mind. In particular allow him to share on a deeper level
what is going on right now for him about being here with
you. You never know what might be going on beneath the surface
of that apparently strong male ego. For example maybe he’s
concerned about the condom issue and doesn’t know
how to bring it up, or he hasn’t been with someone
for a while and he’s nervous about doing something
wrong, or blowing it somehow.
There are a lot of pressures on men (and women) to perform.
Just by sharing what’s going on, the emotional and
mental pressures (which left alone can put a damper on sexual
pleasure) can be relieved. Create permission for that sharing
to happen throughout your time together. Another factor
for men is the tension that resides in the muscles around
the pelvis, abdomen, thighs and buttocks. This is the result
of the day in and day out stress of making a living and
often leads men to want to release as fast as possible through
ejaculation. There is, as you might be gathering, much more
available in love making than the more common experience
of physical “tension release”. You can massage
these areas to help him release this tension first and you’ll
enjoy a more pleasurable time together, not to mention,
the fact that he’ll last longer too!
There is a very important muscle that can greatly improve
the quality of your sex life if you keep it in good shape.
This is the Pubocoygeus (P.C.) or Kegel muscle. It is the
muscle you clench when you ant to stop the flow of urine.
We tone all other muscles in the body but generally not
this one. Exercise it daily and in 2 to 4 weeks you will
be feeling a significant difference in your sexual sensations
and intensity of orgasm. For men tensing it massages the
prostate gland, and a well-toned P.C. muscle can help you
to keep your erection longer. This muscle can be used like
a pump to pump sexual energy from the pelvic region up to
the spine and throughout the body, as mentioned earlier
in the section on movement. Try pumping it in rhythm with
the breath. Squeeze the muscle while inhaling and imagine
that sexy energy tingling up your body to the top of your
head melting away tension, spreading the pleasure thru out
your body. Exhale, letting the muscle relax gradually. This
may be difficult at first till the muscle has better tone
and you are more comfortable with coordinating it with the
breath. It’s worth the practice! Pump it while you’re
driving the car or talking on the phone, no one will know!
And it will probably put a smile on your face!
It has been my experience that even a small amount of time
spent practicing these simple techniques brings huge benefits.
If you give yourself this gift I know you will be happy
with the results. So, in closing I wish you hours of happy
love making from the inside out!
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About
Cynthia
Cynthia Lamborne is a leader in the field of
sacred sexuality and Tantra. Her background and training
includes: comprehensive study with several Tantric Masters;
extensive travel in Egypt, India and Nepal; 30 years of
training and experience with thousands of men and women
as an intimacy coach and workshop facilitator; and teaching
Transcendental Meditation for 10 years.
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